Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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