You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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