At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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