i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
