areolas are like halos for boobs.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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