He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
