Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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