I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
