I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
