Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
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Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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