Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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