Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
