he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
