I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
