Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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