I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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