I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
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You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?