Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream