I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.