My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
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So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher