hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
