My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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