Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
