She is in my trunk
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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