It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
