I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
