1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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