You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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