thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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