I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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