my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
