She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
