I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
