Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
