Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
