My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
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there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
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