That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
