so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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