How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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