I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She bit a glass in half.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
