On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
