I can't breathe out the right side of my face
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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