woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
