he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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