the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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