3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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