Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
