I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
ttyl tear gas
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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