Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
