Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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