Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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