Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
