she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
