hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
