dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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