I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
