Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
