I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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