I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
