yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
