I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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