I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
