No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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