That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
