my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
